Flypaper
by Super Artemis
Summary: He just ... infuriates me. Everything about him. And it's all because of that hat. That stupid, stupid hat. LinkSamus, blink-and-it's-gone LinkZelda, T for language and some lines I probably should've left out. I'm aware I'm unoriginal.


**So, if you are the type of person who reads lots and lots of fanfics (and if so, think about what you are doing with your life), this will be the most unoriginal thing you have ever read, probably.**

**But if you are like me, and have only read seven fics in your whole entire life, then this will be awesome and you should shower me with a bunch of compliments wink wink nudge nudge.**

__________

"Samus, come on ... Maybe you could cut him a break _once?_"

"How, Zelda?" Samus Aran walked briskly through the halls of the Smash Mansion, running her left hand through her abnormally long blonde ponytail, her right in a firm grasp around her silver Paralyzer.

"Maybe ... go easy on him? Or win by _less _than six points?" Princess Zelda knew she was fighting a hopeless battle, and she briefly wondered why she was attempting to change Samus' mind when she could be pursuing, better, achievable tasks. Like having a kingdom _not_ in peril.

"Look. I'm just fighting like I'm supposed to. It's not my fault your pretty boy can't seem to take me." Samus picked up her pace. She was already pissed off by having to kick Link's sorry ass _again, _and activating her Final Smash to do so-- leaving her without a Power Suit until her next match, or even longer. She didn't need her roommate telling her she was a heartless bitch, as well.

"Be more sympathetic."

"Zelda. Stop. He hasn't beaten me since back when we were the only humans here to grace six feet tall, the Captain isn't even worth counting, he won't beat me any time soon, and I'm not going to change that."

"But ..." Zelda tugged on the loose tendrils in her hair in frustration, trying not to trip over her floor-length dress."Maybe ... You could stop taking off your Power Suit when you're fighting him, then."

Samus broke into an almost run, pondering if her gun stunned as well outside of Brawls. "I don't _like _taking it off. You know I hate being without it. But it's a strategy, and I'll use it as long as it works. Try again when you've neutered him."

"That was cruel." But Zelda giggled despite herself.

Samus rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Just stop trying to save your hero's pride, alright? The guy wears a _dress, _for crying out loud, he doesn't have any pride. If he had any sense at all, he'd stop challenging me. Now let me go hide before the Screw-Up Fairy finds me again."

"It's a tunic. And he's not a fairy."

"Don't you have to fight Pikachu in three minutes?" Samus stopped at her own room, placing her hand on the doorknob and prepared her mind for the sudden, sickening burst of pink that barely passed as 'livable'. "Don't hurt him too much." _As one of the only living things in this place I can tolerate for more than an hour._

_"_Oh, yes. You'll care for the mouse, then, huh?" Zelda shook her head as Samus shut the door in her face.

"Back already, Sammy?" Princess Peach giggled from her bed and hugged her lace-covered pillow, to match her lace-covered dress, and bedspread, and carpet. Samus was sure that if she ever cut open the princess, instead of vital organs, she'd find lace. "Your stock matches don't seem to last long with Link, do they? Pulled off the Power Suit, again?"

"Yes, Peach. And don't call me that. Besides, shouldn't you be in the kitchen? Dinner's in an hour." _It just wouldn't be good if you weren't there to screw it up._

"Oh ... Well, dinner's delayed tonight ... The Ice Climbers had a run-in with a cookie dough recipe, you see, and--"

"That's nice." Samus shook her head and retreated to her part of the room, the only place in the bedroom where she could find semi-salvation from Peach's decorating skills.

It was so much _nicer _when there were fewer smashers here, when she didn't have to put up with two princesses. If only Zelda was less ... _Meek. _Maybe if she were more ambitious instead, she would not allow Peach to create this abomination of a living space. Then again, Peach was ambitious. Samus couldn't handle another Peach.

She ducked as she lay herself down on her neatly made-up bed, the ceiling sinking as she went further into the room. Brushing her head against the white, grainy material, she wished she were shorter-- though, granted, she would need to be about a foot less tall.

She had finally made it onto the bed without hitting her skull, for once, and she opened her eyes to stare at her long-time nemesis, allowing a lapse in mature judgment to gloat at it. Instead, she hurled herself into a sitting position in shock, hitting the damn thing anyway.

"PEACH!"

"Er ... Yes?" The princess called back sweetly, a guilty look on her face as she halted on her way to the door.

Samus was beside her in an instant. "_What the hell did you put above my bed?_"

"We-ell ..." Peach looked down at her high-heeled feet, watching her dress sway as she moved. "You seem to have pent-up anger when it comes to a certain Hylian, so I thought maybe if I put a giant poster of him above your bed, seeing him when you wake up and as you go to sleep might keep him away from Dr. Mario more often ..."

"_I don't want to see Link when I wake up. I want to see a _ceiling, _Peach._" Samus hissed.

Peach shook her finger in the bounty hunters face. "See? Pent-up anger. He doesn't deserve it just because he's forced to use arrows against a woman in a metal suit."

Samus scowled, not wanting to explain yet again why her rage focused mainly on Link, and Peach, accepting it as a victory, skipped out the door, happily humming _Matchmaker._

Sighing in disgust, Samus went about the task of removing the picture, trying not to wonder how or why Peach had obtained a 30x40 picture of Link sleeping.

After realizing picking away at the edges wouldn't work and resorting to viciously ripping at it, Samus studied the one part she hadn't managed to brutally massacre off the plaster. Unfortunately, it was the part with his face.

_Shit, does he even _sleep _with that thing on? _She thought as she glared up at it.

That stupid, stupid hat.

She'd never seen him without it. It was, of course, the hat that had started her never-ending wrath on him.

And this fucking poster wasn't helping his case, either.

--

_"Hey. You're Samus, right?"_

Maybe if he hadn't said it that day, if he hadn't approached her, he wouldn't be the object of her spite. It's his own fault; Samus had always feebly tried to reassure herself in moments of weakness. So there.

But he had, and here her grudge was.

It was an average conversation at best. Simply introductions, although there was something else.

He completely infuriated her.

Not just as much as everyone did, but in a way she couldn't describe. Wanting to rip out his intestines and shove them up his ass was a good start. And maybe that his hat never seemed to come off his stupid, smug head.

And it was obvious something about her didn't quite click with him, either--something even more annoying. It was only magnified as time went on, and as more people joined them at the mansion, contact became strictly in the form of ass-kicking.

And the memory of their first match? Going against someone with a never-ending arsenal of crap wasn't fun-- He was a swordsman? Fine. She had guns. Avoid his blade by staying out of its reach. Oh, he pulls bombs out of nowhere? It's all good-- back away from his throwing range? Arrows? A boomerang? Stay out of his reach. _A fucking hookshot? _How much stuff can this guy possibly carry?

He won the bout. Samus was the only one who could remember that, as it seemed. She'd thrashed him so many times, and it was so long ago, no one would believe it, anyway.

Afterwards, they fought each other more frequently. He'd always come out beaten, bruised, and smiling at some inside joke he was having at her expense; or so it seemed.

"_Are you always a freaking ray of sunshine?" _She'd asked, ticked.

"_I try." _Stupid smile.

And yet, all she thought about was how his hat never fell off. It was a stupid, trivial thing, but she began to suspect it was simply glued to his head. Not to mention it was simply ridiculous looking, as well.

She'd started to try as hard as she could to get his hat off. After Fox told her she was on the brink of complete obsession, she'd stopped, managing to convince herself it was his demeanor that bothered her instead. And his annoying thing for Zelda, when she finally came.

--

Samus gave up trying to get the poster off her ceiling. Maybe she'd blast it off tomorrow.

She turned to the wall her bed was placed against and snatched the love notes from Captain Falcon off of it, shoving them under her bed.

_Maybe I'm just flypaper. Flypaper for freaks._

_And now all I can think about is that hat._

_--_

Link's stupid headgear plagued Samus all night. She couldn't believe she'd let her curiosity about it come back.

But ... Come on. It's natural, right? Surely there was _some _reason it didn't come off.

Maybe it's actually his hair.

Or ... it had always infuriated her at how much stuff he carried, and how it came out of nowhere, nowhere at all.

Alright, without actually asking Link himself, Samus had some options in mind. Sleep is for chumps, she could skip dinner tonight. She didn't have anything energy-draining planned, anyway.

"Zelda?" Samus slipped off her bed, looking over Peach's lacey monstrosity to Zelda's form on the other side of the room. Zelda looked up from her book.

"Yes?" Zelda said.

"You've seen Link's hat come off, huh?" Samus asked.

"Um--"

Zelda's reply was cut off with a murmured response from Peach, though Samus couldn't make it out. Zelda, however, blushed furiously and squealed, tossing a well-aimed pillow at her fellow princess.

Peach immediately sat straight up and unleashed an endless barrage of pillows and little pink mushrooms plushes on Zelda.

"Peach! No, I didn't mean--"

Samus gave up on being able to get an answer out of Zelda for a while, and slipped out of the room with no desire to take part in a one-sided pillow fight from the Mushroom Kingdom's ruler.

_Ditz._

Unfortunately, no one else seemed to have an answer.

The Pokemon couldn't speak, except Lucario, who wasn't help anyway. She didn't need a lesson in auranomics. Most of the younger smashers avoided her, didn't know, or spoke French. The villains? She didn't even want to go near that floor. Olimar was nowhere to be found, and Samus hoped she didn't end trampling him underfoot (again). Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong were monkeys. Yoshi, a dinosaur. ROB was a robot. Nobody even knew what Mr. Game and Watch was. Kirby spent so long thinking about his answer she left. Sonic was ... doing hedgehog things? Never mind.

When she approached Fox and Falco, Fox just asked if she was regaining a certain obsession. She left. Master Hand told her he thought she was above thing like this. Crazy Hand offered her Earwig Pie. The Mario Brothers didn't know. Captain Falcon was out of the question ... The swordsmen were no help at all, and his roommate, Pit, didn't cooperate-- not that he really managed to get along with anyone _but _Link. Snake, whom she actually found decently useful at times, had no idea about it, and it was clear he was questioning whether Samus remained a reliable person to have sane conversations with.

Even the other Link didn't know. Or rather, gave her the familiar infuriating, smug smile and said, "I'unno."

Samus groaned and sat back against the outer north wall of the mansion, staring out at the vast plain beyond, catching a slight glimpse of Rumble Falls.

_It's a nice view, _She decided. _A nice distraction._ _Ahh ... it's a stupid thing to get worked up about, anyway. I don't believe you, Samus._

"I don't believe you, Samus."

The sudden voice made Samus jump up, hitting her head on the windowsill she'd been sitting under.

"Smooth." Link crossed his arms and stared down at her. "I can't remember the last time I've seen you so ... Ungraceful."

"Thanks, fairy boy. What do you want?" She pulled herself up.

"Hey, I've barely said anything to you. Would it kill you to be kind?"

"Mmm ... Yes. My question?" Samus put her right fist on her hip.

"What's up with the sudden rekindled interest in me? I thought I was just your punching bag." Link asked.

"You are," Samus said.

"I see. Do you usually keep pictures of your victims above your bed?"

_Fucking Peach. _"Do you usually sneak into a woman's room? It's not you, anyway. It's your ... hat." It sounded even more asinine when explained to the owner of said hat.

Link's expression confirmed it. "... Excuse me?"

"Your hat. It was never _you_; it was your freaking hat."

"My hat? Why? Because of how it magnifies my already stunning good looks?"

"No, asshole. Because I've ... Because I've known you for _how _long, and I've never seen it off your head."

Link stared. "Is that seriously it?"

"Yes. Now, why are you here, really? Are you in the mood to get annihilated, again?"

Link threw his arms into the air.

"The woman's psychic."

"Come on!" Samus said, grabbing the end of her ponytail and playing with it. "You know, Zelda's breaking her back every day to get me to let you win once in a while. Maybe if you finally bothered to make a move on her she'd be too busy to bother me."

Link dropped his arms to his side. "Goddesses, you know ... Have you ever thought, Samus, that maybe it's not Zelda I want?"

Samus paused. "What?"

"Look," Link said. "Hyrule Castle in half an hour. If I win, I'll explain what I just said. And my hat, since you have that obsession."

Samus frowned. "Great, so I'll never know. Swell. Thank you." _And it's not an obsession, dick._

Link smiled. An actual smile. "_Thanks_, Samus. I love you, too. See you." He turned and ran off.

"Hey-- I NEVER SAID YES!!"

Link mimed an 'I can't hear you' motion over his shoulder. Samus almost ripped her ponytail out of her scalp.

--

Samus paused behind one of the pillars of the Hyrule Castle stage to catch her breath, watching Link blast off the screen. Normally, the sight filled her with a kind of childish pleasure, but now she only felt panic setting in, a feeling usually reserved for opponents that didn't wear tights. She was actually behind.

How could he have two left, when she had one? How could she have let her single remaining stock take so much damage? A few more well-placed hits and ... He'd beat her ...

But never mind. She'd done this before with worse odds. She'd get out of this fine. She'd gotten her Power Suit back. She'd let him slip right in front of her, bomb in hand.

"Oh, sh--" She dodged just in time, placing a kick in the middle of his back and rolling back, so she was on the edge, in the smaller building.

And then, she was right beside him again. And he hit her, once, and it was all he needed for a win.

_That fucking hookshot._

_--_

"Okay, look," Samus came up behind Link outside the front gates to the mansion, removing her helmet. "Before you rub it in my face, or tell me about your stupid hat, how did you beat me?"

He paused.

"I don't really know."

Samus clenched her helmet tighter and tried not to bite her tongue off.

"But, you know. I never actually officially challenged you-- it's not like my win is going to be remembered. Something like the last time we fought on that stage, am I right?"

Samus started at the memory she'd visited so recently, as well. She pulled herself together. "You're rather cool about it, for a fairy. Now, your hat?"

Link rolled his eyes and pulled off his hat.

And there was nothing but ... head. And hair. Samus felt ... disappointed.

_Of course it's going to be nothing, Samus. What were you expecting?_

Link stared at her, still holding his hat. "That's it? Can you let me go now?" He made a move for the gates.

"Woah. You still need to explain _one_ more thing you said."

Link turned away.

"Really."

"Yes."

"You're pretty thick, you know that?"

"No need for the insult, fairy."

"..."

Suddenly, he broke into a run.

"Hey!" Samus stood stock still for a moment, shocked. She gave chase. "Get back here! You stupid-- AUGH!"

Link had stopped at the edge of the cliff overlooking the jungle, studying Hyrule Temple where it lay suspended in the air above it. Samus, running right into him, pushed herself away immediately.

"I ... For crap, why am I still here with you?!" She shook her head in disgust.

Link turned around and grinned. "What can I say? I'm flypaper," He tugged on her ponytail. "Flypaper for freaks."

__________

**WOW I have a tendency to make characters unlikable, eh? Anyway, thanks for reading, if you got this far. Also, I am aware Link doesn't have arrows in the first game. Take it from the person who is not allowed to touch her cousins' N64 due to her tendency to yell, 'USE AN ARROW, DUMBASS!'**

_**Unable to give Link a consistent personality through my fics. This will be a problem as I write more.**_

_**Emo corner.**_


End file.
